Some of this may seem dramatic to the reader. My daughter originally recommended I write a blog as she had found it useful therapy herself during a difficult time. She was right – it does help me cope with the stress and the emotional pain.
This site is a combination of facts, feelings and emotional reactions, together with all the other aspects of being in this sort of situation. Therefore, what is accurate one day may have changed the next as new information comes to light or something else happens. This is not a legal document in any way shape or form: it is a record of life being lived under enormous pressure. It is possible some may read this and know they are mentioned, although not by name. They may feel I have been unfair to them. To those people I say this: you have played a role in the saga, I have documented what was the reality for me at the time. It may not be your reality, I acknowledge that.
As I started writing, I realised that perhaps later, after my personal battle is over and my family are with me, I can use my experience to fight for change, so others do not have to go through what we are going through. So I write and document the harsh reality. The fears, the irrational thoughts, the pain. To dress these up to be more palatable defeats the purpose; to illustrate the reality of life for the victims of “the system”.
Too often in life things get brushed over and the details forgotten after “it”, whatever “it” may be for any particular person, is all over. The next person and the next goes through the same horrible saga. The same hidden costs to the economy mount up, time after time. I don’t want that to happen, I ultimately want to drive change, to encourage a more humane system. To do that I need will need the details, however uncomfortable they may be.
I also recognise I may never get to that point. Who knows right now what the future holds for my family and I? All I can do it strive to reach our goals. Or give up. Giving up isn’t an option, so all I can do is strive.
EDIT June 3, 2011
The stress and anxiety and worry is finally over. The above still applies to all earlier posts.