Residual fragility + giving up smoking = tears
I took a few days off on holiday. I needed a rest, as I pointed out in My holiday week that was yesterday.
While this has been a great year, an immense year, I have realised today we, or at least I, don’t get over trauma overnight. A few things have happened this week that have stressed me. Mr O hates it when I panic about things, so I try not to, but I think trying not to leads to a type of stress in itself!
There was the washing machine saga and trying to work out how to afford a new one. Then there is the issue, still not resolved, of Miss O 1′s eligibility for ESL (English as a Second Language) in Year 12. Next came the question of the Adult Apprenticeship Incentive Scheme. There is now a cloud hanging over Mr O’s eligibility for that on what appears to be two fronts, but as it isn’t resolved yet, I’ll not write much at the moment other than to say it is stress I wasn’t expecting. As I wrote back then, the occupation has to be on the Skills Needs List and horticulture is broken up into different areas. The area of his apprenticeship seems not to be eligible; then there is the question of even if that wasn’t an issue, the apprentice has to be actually eligible as a permanent resident at the time of sign-up, not become eligible a few weeks later. There was no mention of a permanent residency requirement anywhere on the website, we only discovered that later, let alone this bit about must be eligible AT sign-up. This was the grounds on which I asked for priority processing for the permanent residency, so now I feel bad about that too. I do try so hard to do everything by the book: I thought I did. We shall see what happens. I tried.
I got a disconnection notice for the gas bill, which we had paid. I called up to discover that the payment has been put against our electricity bill and they won’t/can’t transfer it across. I have been very careful with the Bpay on this as now both the gas and electricity bill have the same Bpay biller code, but different references. Presumably it was my mistake, but stressful.
Moving is stressful.
The 26% loading on the health insurance premium is stressful and when Mr O went to the Medicare office to get the required letter (I wrote about this in My holiday week that was), he discovered the office had closed. We found out the hard way a few weeks ago that Medicare offices were being closed and amalgamated with Centrelink offices, but had been told this one was still open. So that isn’t resolved either. We will waste another Saturday morning going out of our way to get a letter we shouldn’t even need, in my humble opinion! Why can’t they exchange information?
This morning the tears returned. Just all too much in one week, when I had taken the week off because I was exhausted and needed a rest and needed to feel I was getting in control for the move. Neither has happened because so much else happened.
Each thing by itself is nothing major, really. I know that. We still have a roof over our heads, food on the table and clothes on our back. Mr O and I are both happily employed. Around the world people are starving, having their homes bulldozed and getting on leaky boats to seek asylum. What have I got to complain about? In comparison, absolutely bloody nothing! A “blogging buddy”, Momfog, came home from church last year to find her home burnt to the ground. Many people way worse off than my family and I. When ever I feel stressed, I think of Momfog to remind myself how lucky we really are.
I feel something I can only call a residual fragility from “the battle” is still lurking in my soul. Anything stressful, or too many stressful things at once, triggers feelings and memories that shake me to the core. The fear I felt during that time rises again. I have no control over the sense of panic I feel when it happens. Plus Mr O and I are trying, for the second time since Easter, to give up smoking. I have been told before giving up smoking is, in itself, very stressful.
I know I feel the responsibility of ensuring the kids don’t miss out on anything, like sport or school camps, very heavily. Perhaps too heavily. We can only do what we can do. If only this hadn’t cost us so much, but it did. How can you put a price on life, on love?
Why publish this at all? Because such days, such feelings are part of the journey. Most of this web site is about sharing our experiences so others in similar situations don’t feel so alone and hopefully, possibly, show officialdom we are real people, not just numbers. Today is part of that same journey: people need to know a stamp in a passport doesn’t make the pain disappear overnight. It lurks.
I’ll be fine. We’ll be fine. It just takes time to heal. The man will come today and fix the washing-machine, I’ll clear the backlog of washing and feel better. Mr O will come home and give me a cuddle and the kids will make a heap of noise and all will be right in my world.
Can’t it be such a surprise to get caught by life’s continuing complications?…and it does take a toll….when things were overwhelming here, I got comfort by a picture on a shoe box!!…you just never know where soothing might come from… : ) …wherever I can find it, I’m happy to receive it : ) …hope you’re getting your footing back…here you go…. http://pocketperspectives.wordpress.com/2011/05/19/shhh-its-going-to-be-okay/ All this going on PLUS giving up smoking??…. wishing you well… : )
ps…oh, I didn’t even catch the connection in what I just wrote…footing back + picture on a shoe box….oh my…
Yes, it IS going to be OK! Mr O has been really taking over cooking and stuff this week, to give me a break. Plus I have my oldest daughter in hospital. Just to top it off! She went into ER on Thursday night, was supposed to have surgery last night, but by 10:30pm it still hadn’t happened so I am guessing it didn’t. It is a bit early to call up and find out yet this morning.
It WILL be OK!
Our eldest daughter, aged 54, died 12 days ago. We cried a lot and have been constantly under stress since then. But we know she would want us to go on with our lives. So this is what we are going to do.
I am so sorry for your loss, Uta. Please accept our belated condolences. I agree, your daughter would have wanted you to go on with your lives.
Thank you, Robyn.
This is why Sandra Bullock movies exist: so you can watch The Ya-Ya Sisterhood or whatever and pretend you’re bawling at what’s going on up there on the screen, but you’re really getting out what you’ve been keeping inside about your real life.
If your real life isn’t giving you anything to cry about, you’re not really living your life.
Very true observation, that last line, Raincoaster. Very true!
I have so much admiration for you Robyn…you survive. The rest my counsellor once told me is icing on the cake…
Thank you Jo! Hope you are well. I am fine now – it passes.
Got over the flu…just having trouble feeling like the old me…oh my…don’t like the sound of that…hehehe
Hope you didn’t have the really bad one that is circulating over here. Sounds like a really bad one, but I have escaped. So far.
Sometimes it all gets too much. You’ve gone through some huge changes, even though you wanted them. Give yourself a break and channel your inner princess for a bit. Big Huggs from Texas
Thanks Trinity. Inner princess? He he he – not a bad idea. Warm bath, candles, SILENCE!
Sounds good.
Don’t be so hard on yourself Robyn ( from someone else who is ! ) This is part of the letting go inside you that was bound to happen when you’ve had such enormous obstacles to overcome.
It’s a bit like Post traumatic stress disorder and I’m sure a sense that you don’t deserve for things like this to happen now ( you don’t !) when residency etc has been granted but life is an absolute bitch ( or the male equivalent! )
Oh and it IS a good time to give up smoking because if you can do it when things are difficult then it will be a pice of cake when they’re easy..
I gave up the week before my final nursing results were due !! and when cigarettes in England had just gone up from 34 pence to 36 pence a packet… they are now about £7 I think… 20 times as much, so that will tell you how long ago it was,
Put the money aside that both of you would have spent on cigarettes and use it for something lovely
It IS like, if not actually, PTSD – my psychologist has said that in the past. I don’t like to think of it like that, of course, me being me, but I know he is right deep down. All that fear and worry for so long takes ages to get over.
I can only image how much worse it actually is for Mr O – he had much longer than I did. He is stronger, I think – until he is asleep – then he doesn’t cope so well. Bad dreams still often.
I think the money will be paying for the washing machine! Although it is nice. Maybe not lovely. Didn’t realise front loaders take so LONG! I have to say the washing certainly looks cleaner though, which is what everyone says. I think I put too much detergent in Mr O’s work clothes though!
I’ll learn.
Some would argue that it is as hard in some respects for those who can only wait and feel largely powerless in the face of the mountainous struggle.. and Oh you have it working now
Yes, the fix-it man arrived at 5pm. I was right, it was the emergency drain hose under the machine – it is missing a plug which will take 10 days to come from New Zealand! It is only a three hour flight!
He tied up the hose with those tie thingies (not sure what you call them) as an interim measure and it is holding.
Aww hugs! Sometimes it does all get too much. Praying for you today!
Yes, it does. I am sure you know some of it – you were wandering minstrels for a while. Thanks for your kind thoughts, Amelia.
((hugs)) You’re a strong lady with a brilliant husband and family behind you. As long as you have them you’ll be fine. X
Yes, I will. Thank you!
[[[Virtual hugs]]]] We would not be human if we did not feel like a good stamp, scream, cry, and rant. Poor momfog and there’s me also writing a post at the moment about how depressed I feel.
PErhaps it was not the best time to give up smoking…but then I suppose you could have smoked more and wasted more money. More Hugsx
OHHHHHHHHHH – my favourite ranter herself!
Thanks for the hugs, Carole. I wanted to make it clear that the drama doesn’t just “vanish” overnight. It takes a while……
Yep you’ll be fine!
Yes, I will. Just damn annoying.
Believe me, I know. Stress takes its toll and it takes endless time to recover. Chin up, you ARE doing remarkably well under enormously trying situations. You CAN make it. Tina
It is always a surprise to me when it pops up and bites me. I don’t expect it. You are right though, it takes a toll. More than we realise.
I’ll make it Tina – I wrote how I was feeling more for others than for me, so they know they are not “abnormal”!