What do YOU worry about?
How does life change once Permanent Residency is granted? Mr O is the best placed person to write about this and maybe after we move he will – right at the moment we are in a whirlwind!
As Mr O’s wife, I can make a few observations.
“Nothing more to worry about” is one statement Mr O made. This puts Mr O and Mrs O in very different places as far as worry is concerned. I panic if the gas bill is a day overdue. Of course, to a man who slept in a staircase in India and had to wake up before anyone stepped on him, the gas bill being a day overdue is hardly worth worrying about.
“Oh shit”, I cried on the train into the city the other night.
“What?” Mr O asked.
“Did I lock the car?”
“You’d give a person a heart attack,” he replied. I might add the car locks itself.
“That is not worth worrying about.”
To a man who was nearly beaten to death, who didn’t know where his children were for several years, it isn’t worth worrying about. He is right. What is an unlocked car compared with worrying about your children every day, not knowing if they were OK?
The one thing he does worry about is the kids doing well at school. He often says to them he missed the opportunity of a university education due to his father’s death: he wants them to have what he couldn’t have.
When Mr O says “nothing more to worry about” he is looking at life from a very different perspective to most of the readers of our journey. He now has a safe haven, a home for his children, a family life, a job and a career. He has not been late for work or taken a day off: even when I thought he was too sick to go to work, he went. He values this opportunity greatly. So in some respects, yes, he does worry about some of the normal things we all worry about: doing a good job, employment security, being on time.
Other things, like paying a bill on or before the due date, a broken statue or a torn jacket, he sees as nothing to worry about: not quite the same way I see them. I understand why: these are not life and death situations and Mr O has certainly seen enough of those in his time. Enough to know the difference between something life-threatening and something that is important but not worth having a panic attack over.
Which brings me to the question nagging at the back of my head. Do those if us raised in our nice and comparatively SAFE environments worry about far more than we really should? We talk about living each day as if it is our last, but we don’t, do we?
Mr O is right: all his past life threatening worries are over. Now he just has normal ones, just like the rest of us. He just handles them better than I do!
What do you worry about, that when you stop and think about it, you realise is not worth that panic?
I get worried easily, about a bunch of things; then I tell myself to calm down, I think about the things I can do to solve the problem, do them, and move on. I’m not quite calm after that, but I tell myself I did what I could and that it would be useless to agonize about it any further — things will work out one way or another. After all, my country went through a decade of war, and I survived, even if I couldn’t see my dad for 7 years, nor did I always know whether he was alive; NATO dropped bombs on us for 3 months, and I survived that too. The perspective becomes a bit different after going through that.
That being said, I think it’s not natural for us, human beings, not to worry at all. So, if there isn’t a life-threatening situation, we tend to invent things to worry about.
Thank you, Angel. You are like Mr O – you have seen and experienced far more than most of us can imagine. Where are you from originally? Where are you now? I am so glad you found your father.
It in interesting that you think it is a natural characteristic for us to worry. You may well be right.
I was born in Belgrade, the capital of the former Yugoslavia, and now I live in Belgrade, the capital of Serbia — I never moved, the country fell apart. My father is from Croatia, another part of the former Yugoslavia. My parents split before the war, my father went back to Croatia, the war started… Sometimes we were able to exchange letters, or even talk on the phone, but at other times he was in hiding, so they wouldn’t send him to the front to kill people.
I understand. A very traumatic time for you all. I know that even now the situation is not as calm as it could be, so I wish you and your family the best for your future.
Thank you.
I don’t worry any more. I had work related stress and depression 4 years ago from working in a nightmare school. I got so depressed and worn out that ended up attempting suicide. 34 co-codamol tablets and a bottle of wine, three days in hospital, touch and go and came out with no damage! Miracle really. I’ve been free of worry since then. It’s all perspective really. Mr O is right not to worry. Jesus says ‘Worry won’t add one more day to your life.’ I agree.
Very good saying: ‘Worry won’t add one more day to your life.’ I agree too.
I am so glad you came through your experience unscathed, Richard. Thank you for sharing your experience. I am sure many can learn from the experience of others, such as yourself.
I am also very glad you didn’t keep trying, as my mother did. I know your family are very glad too.
Virtual hugs to you.
I try to avoid the act all together to be honest. It’s an energy burner, a downer, a killer of passion and possibility. Still, it happens to me regardless of how much I fight it. When it comes I try to let it pass through me, face it down, understand what’s bugging me and reconcile my emotions. Tough. Good post and a reminder of what we need to do or try to do
Brenda, you are clearly one of my lot, then! Like you, I TRY! But it still happens.
I think that’s the value of knowing persons like Mr. O. I think it’s easy to take for granted the basic necessities of life in our safe environments and just get consumed with the extraneous details. My husband comes from a similar environment as Mr. O and because of that, he handles small stresses a lot better than me. He doesn’t get bogged down, like I sometimes do, in the small stuff. He lives more in the moment and don’t worry as much as I do about the future. I’m learning much from him!
You and I both, Jessica. I’ll stop by your site tonight, I’m interested that your husband comes from a similar background. We have to work at understanding each other’s perspectives, don’t we? But it is GOOD work!
We could all learn something from Mr O !
I am trying too!
Yes we worry about way too much! I’ve lived a very sheltered life, as perhaps you have, and am always fretting about the stupidest stuff. I wouldn’t wish Mr. O’s difficult past on anyone… but wouldn’t it be nice if we could all spend a day or two in his shoes… would give us all a much better perspective on our lives.
Mine wasn’t all that sheltered.
Remember my parents both committed suicide when I was 15. See the book extract about family history if you missed it. But certainly not as tough as Mr O’s life.
I think you are right. We could all do with some experience of hardship. My parent’s generation went through depression (people lived in tents on the beach) and world wars. Later generations in Western countries have not experienced those times.
I did not know that about your parents. Wow… I’m guessing you’ve come to terms with that, but how does a 15 year old deal with something like that? I will have to read your post about it.
You can find it here: http://teamoyeniyi.com/2011/12/24/family-history-a-stark-reminder/ although the “raw” version written in the bad times of this battle can be found here: http://teamoyeniyi.com/2011/01/14/old-fears-haunt/
I would agree with Mr O., once you have been through what he has, everything else is a breeze in comparison. Why worry? I generally seem to deal well with adversity, problems, etc, although if I am very worried about something I will sometimes wake up in the middle of the night and go over the specific problem in my mind and then onto something else….and stay awake!
That waking up is what I did many times during the battle. Actually, for me it was not being able to get to sleep at all. But those were serious worries.
Now I am much better. When Mr O has bad dreams (lessening slowly) I have trouble sleeping as he is very restless on those nights.
I am one of life’s natural worriers; maybe coming from poverty and having had a few bouts of depression have added to that as I am most afraid of poverty and mental ill health.
I have learnt to not sweat the small stuff at all and can very easily let most things go but this has taken time and practice. I have been with many, many elderly people on their death beds and as I know that’s where we’ll all end up I don’t think it’s worth worry at all really and remind myself of that often..
“The more you can increase fear of drugs, crime, welfare mothers, immigrants and aliens, the more you control all of the people.” ― Noam Chomsky you could add in fear of not having the right clothes, enough money, etc etc etc..
LIfe is for joy and consists of only the moment we are in right now… worry holds us back
Love that quote – very topical for the political environment in Australia at the moment. As soon as I saw it, I tweeted it, although I had to cull one word to fit in the 140 characters!
Worry DOES hold us back, you are so right.
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts, Helen.
your very welcome…. relax is my mantra