Now you want to break up?
So you went through all the drama and forms and interviews and prying into your private life, you got your provisional partner visa and now you want to BREAK UP? Avoiding your spouse?
This article was inspired by a couple of recent search terms that arrived on this site such as “how to cancel a temporary 309 visa“, plus a question I saw on a migration forum about a week ago. The question was from one partner of a couple on a temporary visa, who has children with the spouse, saying they don’t want to be together any more and asking what steps to take.
Fighting
Couples fight more than 300 times a year
Even if you are the same nationality or ethnicity, the very fact you are on a spouse/partner visa means one or both of you are in a new country and a new culture. Possibly a totally different climate. Different currency, food, TV, language. You are without your family – in some cultures family is a very important support when marriages hit bumps. You are dependent on your spouse to feel safe in this new world. You may be studying or working hard, it may have cost you all the money you had to get the visa and relocate, so you may be experiencing financial pressure.
If you are different ethnicities, you have additional adjustments to make. Maybe you are also different religions.
You do not yet have the permanent residency visa: even if you don’t consciously think of that, it does lurk in the back of your mind. It is a constant source of a feeling of insecurity.
Accept this as a given: YOU ARE STRESSED. If you are the partner who is the citizen or permanent resident, accept that your partner is stressed. Even if you were not born in your country of residence, you may have been “here” longer and have adapted to the differences. If you were born where ever it is you are, then YOU are home, your partner is not.
Suddenly you and your partner have a fight. One of you says something you don’t really mean, in anger and frustration……….. and stress.
I read another question on a forum recently. A couple had “split up” and notified the Department of Immigration and Citizenship (DIAC). The provisional/temporary visa holder’s visa was cancelled. The couple reconciled, as couples do. MUCH, MUCH harder to undo telling DIAC you are no longer a couple than to just give yourselves some breathing space before you involve the bureaucrats.
You didn’t enter into your marriage lightly or cross the globe lightly. It doesn’t matter if you are settled in Australia, Canada, the USA or the UK – or anywhere. Unless you really are one of those nasty “marriages of convenience”, you had something that made you go to all this trouble to be together. Don’t throw it away at the first bump in the road. In fact, I tend to think these are definitely genuine marriages, because marriages of convenience would have an “arrangement” in place to see out the required time ensuring they look picture perfect to the powers-that-be.
Do you think couples never hit bumps, even if they marry the boy/girl next door? Of course they hit bumps. It is normal. Add in all the factors I have mentioned above and if you DON’T hit a bump or two, then you are saints and won’t be reading this anyway! Have John and I never had a misunderstanding or never felt frustrated? Have there never been tears? We are not saints, but we know what we have and we are not likely to risk throwing it away due to momentary misunderstandings or a small cultural difference. We talk, we take a deep breath, we kiss and make up. Admittedly, we haven’t had any major argument or dispute and we are older and wiser than some couples may be. We ARE human. We have ALL the complicating factors mentioned above and then some, so we are speaking from experience when we say it can be done – if deep down you truly love each other.
In answer to the search term, no, I am not going to tell you how to cancel a provisional visa. I am going to advise you take a deep breath, go for a walk. A long walk if necessary. Both of you, not necessarily together. Think about what you went through to be together. Think about why you wanted to be together. Think about your children, if you already have some. Get some counselling if available, even if this is not a usual part of your culture.
Don’t throw away your relationship like so many “celebrity” faces seem to do. Make sure you really DO want to end it BEFORE you advise DIAC (or the Immigration officials of whatever country you are in). Don’t jump to make that phone call or send that email in a moment of anger with your partner.
For a great overview of the legal situation, please visit http://forum.migrationhelp.com.au/showthread.php?t=2014
Thank you for your post. I just got the rejection of the embassy yesterday. And that’s how I feel, exactly. The reason of the refusal of Visa is the applicant lacks of necessary ties for her country of orgin. I come from Vietnam, a social and developing country… And my feeling aready exploded last night. So much anger and frustration. Suddenly I just feel so tired and I tired to continue to try. And I did pour it over on him. Now I feel so sorry, but stil I havent over that such feeling….But I know he is everything to me so now Im trying to focus working on the appeal.
Is there another way or everything we can do now is write a letter to the embassy to appeal ? In the refusal, they meantioned we have provided enough to prove that our relationship is strong enough. What should we submit more to them? should we exposed privare letter or somthing ?
I would appreciate for any information.
Thank you.
Hi and welcome.
I am a little bit confused. Are you the applicant? Are you married? The reason for refusal that you give sounds more like a reason for refusing a tourist visa, not a partner/spouse visa. I am not a migration agent, but that is the sort of reason I understand is given when you apply for a visa that is not for staying in Australia permanently, on the basis you might not leave when you are supposed to because your ties to your country of origin are not strong enough. With a spouse visa you are not applying for a visa where you have to leave, you are applying for a visa to come permanently even if the 309 is a “trial period” for the first two years. It seems a very odd reason for rejecting a spouse visa.
This may sound like a silly question, but did you apply for the right visa? Again, I am looking at the reason given and it makes me wonder.
Did the embassy mention you HAVE or that you have NOT “provided enough to prove that our relationship is strong enough”. I am not sure if you have left a word out there.
If you have already been rejected, your partner can appeal to the MRT in Australia, but that should be detailed in your letter or the decision document.
You definitely have to show them private correspondence when applying for a spouse visa. Records of phone calls, photos, everything.
Please read the other articles under the Partner Visa Menu.
If you can clarify the above information, I might be able to point you in the direction of some formal assistance.
Sound advice for any couple under stress for any reason, even more so when the pressures are extraordinary.
Exactly. And the stresses of a spouse visa, even without our complications, are quite amazing. The time apart, the waiting………… there is no doubt in my mind that once you do actually get together, for some couples that stress doesn’t disappear instantly.
Good advice; especially under those challenging immigration conditions.
I hadn’t really addressed such an issue in the past and I felt perhaps it was time. I think many who go into this think they have “a marriage made in heaven” if they are attracted to each other over national and cultural bounderies and don’t expect there to be any bumps – but we all live life and life has bumps!
Wow!!! 300 times?? That’s a lot…in my case is less than 800 then…lol…but really small fights… we just fight over food…lol
Yes, I am wondering what exactly they defined as a “fight”! Disagreeing over a choice of restaurant is, in my humble view, not exactly a fight. More a discussion!
Nice blog Thanks for sharing
Glad you enjoy. Welcome to our little world!
I’m not surprised that tangling with bureaucracy leads to stress and short tempers. I am surprised by the “Couples fight more than 300 times a year” bit. My partner and I have been married over 30 years and knew each other as best friends prior to that. We have been through many traumas and have faced and conquered many challenges together, and yet have only raised our voices to each other twice.
I think all couples need to agree to a healthy conflict resolution process from the outset of the relationship because minor disagreements are a normal part of a relationship. A healthy disagreement is an opportunity to share your feelings and strengthen your bond by jointly reaching a decision you’re both happy with. It can be an experience that leaves you both feeling more confident about your relationship and brings you closer together.
Thank you for your wise words, TiTi.
I agree totally about conflict resolution. Many of us learn conflict resolutions skills to use in the workplace, yet totally “forget” those when it comes to our personal replationships. I must say it helps when one partner has the patience of a saint (Mr O). We are best friends too, and it certainly helps, I believe.
Eek. I’ve done some rash things in the heat of an argument with my husband but involving bureaucrats (it took me 5 tries to spell that correctly) isn’t one of them. Wow. What a nightmare. This is some very good advice.
Between the search terms and the forums, I’ve seen a bit of this sort of thing lately. We KNOW from personal experience how hard this whole process can be so I thought it was worth putting a few words of advice out there to hopefully encourage couples in such a situation to just but the brakes on for a moment and not act in a hurry.
Not surprised it took you five attempts to spell that – I have trouble EVERY SINGLE TIME!