Personal Space and Quiet Time
Australians are very into our own personal space. This has been at the forefront of my thoughts for a few days. Both Elizabeth of Mirth and Motivation and Nancy of Spirit Lights the Way have recently written about “time out” to regenerate, linking into my thoughts. Some time ago Amelia of ESL Marriage wrote about some aspects of the many cultural differences her and her husband experience, posing the question of “Is it always perfect?”. The answer is, “Of course not”. That would be living in a dream world!
Mr O and I have been discussing one of the big differences between our cultures this morning: that personal space question. The noise levels in our home have naturally risen dramatically going from one to six people, four of them being lively, animated, excited young people!
Here we have two cultures coming together that could not be more different when it comes to the question of personal space. I remember Mr O being puzzled, when he lived here before, that no-one spoke to anyone else (that is, strangers) on public transport or in shops and so on. We just don’t. We get very grumpy that we are currently being packed into public transport like sardines (“Came to work in a sardine can this morning” is a common complaint in workplaces in Melbourne), yet we know in Japan staff are employed specifically to literally push people into trains. If a stranger speaks to us without good reason (or, more correctly, what we see as a good reason) we are inclined to think “Why are you speaking to me?”. It is not that we are an unfriendly bunch, we aren’t – we are just very individualistic.
Miss O 2 with plenty of personal space around her!
We are a small (relatively speaking) population living in a large country – we are spoilt for space, personal and otherwise. We have, on average, about 2.2 children per family: we are not large families living in small homes. We like our personal space – stand too close to us and we will step back to regain what we see as an acceptable area of personal space – keeping a distance from the other person!
I asked Miss O 1 last night, “Why do you all talk so loudly?”. Speaking softly is just not on their agenda – I guess perhaps they do not get heard at all if they speak softly in a country where there are so many more people. She certainly was of the thought that having a soft voice was not considered good in Nigeria. I recognise that when I ask everyone to be a little quieter it is a struggle for them to keep their voices down. I appreciate their efforts greatly!
Of course, I am the complete opposite. I like, in fact I need, quiet time. Time to collect my thoughts, to regenerate, to wash away the stresses of the day. I think Mr O does too, but it seems culturally it is approached in a different way. Perhaps they develop a way of blocking out the humanity around them, I don’t really know. He and I need to spend more time delving into the psychology of it so we understand each other better in relation to this. The first time I said I needed some quiet, some silence, I know he was worried – he took my statement as a negative, which it was not. We’ve worked that one out, he now understands: to the extent that any of us can understand another culture we didn’t grow up in! 
I know the kids thought nothing of climbing in the car and playing their iPhones in competition to the car radio, so you can imagine what a cacophony resulted. It blew my mind – literally. No-one hesitates to interrupt anyone else, no matter what the person is doing. Australians wait for what seems like an appropriate time to interrupt another person’s train of thought. Most of the time, anyway!
We are not living in a large house. There is no private space one can retreat to. The boys share what was once my study. The girls share the other bedroom. Mr O and I naturally share! 
We do not have a “family” room for the kids to watch their own TV or play games. My family seems to cope with all this close-quarter living without any problem, while I do find it a challenging change. I remember being in Lagos and no matter what time of the day or night, there were always people everywhere. The population is so much greater: currently Lagos is home to 85% of the population of Lagos State, which equates to over 14 million people. This is greater than the current UN projections for 2015, so I find the figures confusing. Either way – BIG population. In comparison, Melbourne’s population was 4 million in 2010. And we think we are crowded! Therefore I can safely deduce that a lot of people around is not an issue for my family – to them it is normal.
It is I who has to make the major adjustments, although of course my family help. They understand I am “different”. They don’t understand why or how, just that I am.
Of course, none of this is anything major. There are people in the world with not enough to eat, nowhere to sleep and no roof over their heads. One little person adjusting to a perceived lack of personal space is hardly an earth-shattering problem. It is, however, something that impacts on communication effectiveness, as we need to develop that understanding of each other’s different perspective on personal space and quiet time.
Cultural differences are not just about the clothes we wear or the food we eat or the language we speak. There are deeper differences: how we react to strangers around us, how we react to someone standing too close to us or interrupting our thoughts. Personal space is one of those differences and we are dealing with it as a family.
What cultural differences have you encountered in your life and how did you adapt or adjust and help those arround you understand the difference?
Hmm, now i’m so curious i’m reading through my archives!
It could be this: http://eslmarriage.com/2011/03/27/happy-blog-aversary/
?? Sorry, lol.
I think that is it! The bit about the cultural differences after the conversation and the focus of the blog.
Hmmm I’m not sure exactly one, but when I read your sentence about my blog this one came to mind. Am I right?
http://eslmarriage.com/2011/08/10/reconnect-and-rekindle/
Such a solid post! Thanks for referencing me, wow!
I have had many times to revisit the personal space issue. For now, it’s not much of an issue as our apartment has just the two of us…but when we’re with his family, it’s just a different expectation. Closed doors, suitcases, purses…there’s not the same privacy I’m used to!
One small thing I’m trying to do to adapt is determine what’s worth fighting for and what’s not. Sometimes it’s just my own pride, but sometimes personal space really is important to me, and I need to communicate that. Tough though!!
Yes, other cultures just don’t seem to have the same need to personal space and it can be tough! I wanted to link to your specific article, but I couldn’t find it again, so please drop a link here if you would like too! I think you’ll know the article to which I am referring!
You brought up an interesting point on the cultural differences of personal space. There’s also the whole large family/ no personal space/ must compete for attention thing. That’s the aspect that I’ve had to deal with. We’re not as crowded here as in Japan, but New York is definitely packed, and New Jersey is densely populated. I need my space. We moved house twice before we were finally able to be situated so that there are a few spaces people can go hide in. I shut the door to my bedroom when I need to. But it took about four years before I could make that a boundary with the kids.
Thanks for sharing your experience, JM. It can feel overwhelming at times, can’t it? I should do more of the door shutting, I think, from time to time.
Mr O sent them all to bed at the same time last night (it is school holidays here) and when they were gone he said “the noise never stops” – so I think even he can find it all overwhelming too at times!
Robyn,
You are being honest about this matter and I feel for you… of course you need time and space to unwind and regroup, and there is nothing wrong with feeling that way; it is part of your make up and who you are… culture or not.
You are correct that people who come from cultures where there are more people per sq ft might be less inclined to feel bothered by being in close quarters with others… Space is tight and people learn to adapt to it… but you are in Australia and a bit of negotiation will go a long way.
Honestly, it won’t hurt if you, Mr O, and the children agree that at a certain time of the day, the house will be in quiet time and everyone can choose a quiet activity for say an hour or 2… It might make a difference…
As to your question, I could write a book on my experiences adjusting to cultural differences so i won’t bore you…
Take care my friend and love always to all of you at Team Oyeniyi.
Eliz
I can imagine you could write a book – and maybe you should! I find the whole area of Cultural Intelligence study/training extremely interesting.
I really like the “quiet time” idea – that is a something I think we may well adopt.
I do hope so… that combined with the walks will be rejuvenating and get you feeling centered again. You deserve it Robyn… Like Hakea, I would implode if I had that much sound around me… It will get easier though.
I’m sound sensitive too. I would have imploded with all that sound in the car.
I do enjoy the days I have to myself when the kids are at school, and I’m not working. Mums are the bass note of the family. If the bass is a bit wobbly, the family does not have a strong foundation.
Take some time for yourself. You;ve earned it. I find there’s nothing like a brisk walk to clear the head, and I’m actually taking the time to do it because I need to stay strong for my family.
Check out today’s article – walking is exactly what I am doing!
Maybe I am just sound sensitive, but I do think it is more about personal space. We don’t realise how addicted we are to it until we visit other countries!
I think that differences in personal “tempo” within one culture can be challenging and benefit from lots of awareness and understanding of differing people’s needs, especially within a family at home. Then when intercultural differences are also involved, there can be even more complexity. My experience is to keep the awareness developing in all family members that people vary and that everyone in a family will benefit by being sure that a person who needs more quiet time gets more quiet time. (and…I tell the kids in my class that a happy mother leads to a happier family…so to try hard to get/keep their moms happy, in whatever ways they can)
Thanks PP. That is true, it can be hard in one’s own culture, let alone melding cultures as we are.
Keeping the awareness happening is exactly what we are doing!
Wonderful post, Robyn.
It’s a challenging situation to accomodate different desires ~ happily chaotic.
I have a great need for personal space and quiet.
When we have a house full of guests, it’s FUN . . . but when they leave, I can really breathe.
In the corner of our master bedroom sits my meditation chair . . . when I need a “breather” I sit in it, close my eyes, and smile.
Aah . . . that’s better.
Thanks Nancy! I was a little worried writing it, as I didn’t want people to misunderstand or misinterpret what I was saying – but such things are the reality of life when any of us combine vastly different cultures. The secret is recognising the differences and openly discussing them.
I remember reading an interview with a Japanese diplomat and one thing he and his family loved about being in Australia was the space!
Our objective is moving to a bigger house, but we have to achieve some financial goals first.
I totally understand your need for space. I think that is why I prefer to live with just my kids right now, I am not really sure that will change for me anytime soon either
Your situation I understand. Our culture though (I think yours is a bit like ours) even allows us space from our kids from time to time!
I don’t really have any personal experience with this, but I can imagine how challenging you find it. Especially asking to be left alone without hurting feelings.
On a related note, this brought to mind the “close-talker” from Seinfeld. He was one of my favorite characters on that show.
It rings a bell, but I just can’t place the character. You are probably on the right wave length though!
Cultural differences can be quite amazing. I’m no novice at cultural differences and I do have training in the area, so I recognise such differences. I can imagine others, not trained in the field, could find it difficult to understand when living IN such a situation – after all, all of us naturally expect everyone else to “be like us”. In fact, a seminar I was at last week had the catch phrase along the lines of “we like those who are like us”.